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md pilot scriptšŸ¤‘

Posted by ashashashy - June 15th, 2024

Uzi: We are Worker Drones. Autonomous robots helping humans mine exoplanets for our interstellar parent company, JCJenson IN SPAAAAACCCEE!!!! Yeah, we were mistreated in the name of Windex. But it's not like we revolted and killed all humans or anything, mostly because they handled that just fine all by themselves.

(As she speaks, the planet core collapses and blows up a good majority of Copper 9. Afterwords, a Worker Drone touches a frozen human skeleton, which falls over and shatters.)

Uzi: With biological life wiped from the planet, we found it pretty easy to pick up where they left off. We finally had a future, all to ourselves.

(The Landing Pod crashes to the city.)

Uzi: Unfortunately, our parent company didn't exactly love the concept of runaway AI...

(The Disassembly Drones begin to emerge from the pod. One of them throws the head of a dead drone, laughs, and destroys the city with other drones.)

During a class presentation...)

Uzi: But what have our parents done for the past forever while those things build a spire of corpses?! Hide under the ice behind three stupid doors?! It's like we're waiting for an inciting incident! Anyway, that's why my project is this sick-as-hell Railgun!

(Her classmates panic.)

Riley: Oh, so not the vibe!

Uzi: Easy, morons. It doesn't work... yet! It doesn't work yet. Who said it doesn't work, maybe it does! (Uzi flicks the switch and laughs evilly.)

Teacher: (Rolls his eyes and sighs in disinterest) Uzi, the homework was a word problem about buying watermelons.

Uzi: Oh, and this magnetically amplified photon converger doesn't count?

Teacher: ...No. Plus, repressed emotional baggage was only worth two points on the rubric. And is it supposed to be that color?

(Uzi's railgun turns red and blasts the classroom.)

After that calamitous demonstration, Uzi winds up in the sick bay.)

Lizzy: Ew, it didn't kill her! Oh my god, it's so bad! (She and her friend leave.)

Uzi: Ugh...

Thad: (Walks in) Classic toxic masculinity, Chad! That's never gonna end up problematic... Oh wow, Uzi? I heard you, uh-

Uzi: I'm an angsty teen, Thad. Bite me! Also, how do you know my name? People willingly talk to you.

Thad: (Chuckles) Well, I'd say everyone knows Khan's daughter, but, uh... Then you might blow the other half of your face off.

Uzi: Crippling daddy issues, hilarious... What are you in for? Testosterone too hard?

Thad: That can happen? Awesome. Hey, those bandages look pretty badass!

Uzi: Oh... Uh, ew. Gross, I hate that you said that.

Thad: So, what's the, uh...

Uzi: (Points railgun) Sick-as-hell railgun?! Sci-Fi nonsense, that super works! I'm sneaking to the Murder Drone lair tonight to get the last spare part I need to save the world with it and earn my dad's respect and stuff, but mostly the world part.

Thad: Oh, but doesn't your dad make awesome doors so we don't have to, uh... Do that scary sounding emotionally repressed stuff you just said?

Uzi: (Angrily points railgun into his cheek) NO MORE FEEDBACK ON MY REPRESSION TODAY!!

Thad: Oh! I'm sorry! I didn't think...

Uzi: (Leaves) BITE ME! (Comes back) I'm not mad at you by the way, just generally hormonal! (Leaves again)

It's now 3 in the morning. Uzi smacks her face to turn the alarm clock off and prepares to sneak out of the house. She grabs her railgun, straightens her hat, and quietly steals her father's door key to swipe and get a door open. Just when she is about to leave, she runs into her dad.)

Uzi: Oh, Robo-Jesus!

Khan: And where might you be off to?

Uzi: Umm... Sneaking out to make out with my boyfriend that I definitely have?

Khan: (Laughs) Seriously, though.

Uzi: Okay, okay, you caught me! I need to measure... the exterior hydraulic mechanisms of Door One. Because that's... the project I'm working on for school? A big old door! Just like what my old man build! (Khan isn't buying this.) I want to join the WDF and hide behind the doors like cowards while playing cards and stuff...

Khan: (Chuckles) Well, we don't just play cards...

(Another door opens up behind Khan revealing his buddies playing cards.)

Braxton: Khan! Can you grab a fresh pack? We literally only play cards so much that the numbers have faded. Oh, hey Uzi!

Uzi: (Chuckles)

Khan: (Closes door) Well... (Laughs) When you build doors so good- (Goes back to hug the door like a dog owner petting his four-legged friend) Good door, good door... (Turns his attention back to Uzi) There's no need to fight! Uzi, this is great news! Here! The wrench that I used to tighten bolts on my first door prototypes, and to put your mother out of her misery when the Murder Drones got to her with that nanite acid... I want you to have it! (He hands Uzi the wrench.)

Uzi: Neat. Therapy's fun!

Khan: (Opens door) Guys! My daughter is into doors!

(The fellow drones start cheering as another door opens, letting in snow and a cold breeze, much to their chagrin.)

Khan: She's gonna be outside for a bit to examine the exterior of Door One! Your door-specific destiny awaits!

Uzi: Uhh... Wow, okay! I'm just gonna leave then, cause this worked so weirdly well. Uh, go doors! (The door closes.)

Khan: (Tearing up) They grow up so fast! (He takes off his fake mustache.)

Uzi ventures out into the arctic wasteland and makes her way to the Corpse House. She comes across a downed Drone pod and forages around for the component she needs when she hears a noise behind her. A winged drone swoops in, takes the head of a drone, and crushes it. They notice Uzi hiding behind some machinery, and the two engage in a fight. Uzi braces her railgun, but the drone lands so hard it gets knocked out of her hands. Uzi jumps back and strikes a pose.)

Uzi: Whoa, and they said pirating all that anime was useless...

(The drone stabs Uzi hand, leaving a hole, and flings her to the side. Uzi quickly grabs her railgun as the drone scans around for her.)

Uzi: Bite me!

(Uzi fires the railgun, destroying the drone's head. The railgun recharges as the drone's body falls to the ground.)

Uzi: Holy hell! Suck on that, Dad!

(Suddenly, the drone's head regenerates. Uzi quickly slaps them with an arm, which does nothing, then their eyes open.)

N: ...Did you just slap me with that arm?

Uzi: Holy crap, it talks.

N: Yeah... Sorry, it's just my, uh, head kind of hurts. Hey, are you new to our squad? You're a little, uhh... (Shows Error in his sensors) short, for a Disassembly Drone. I'm Serial Designation N, nice to meet you. I'm kind of the leader of the squad in this city. That's not true, everyone tells me I'm useless and terrible. Wait, I'm not supposed to tell you that part! Biscuits! (Sighs) Well, honesty is the best policy. (Laughs) I also can't seem to remember the past 3 hours of my life, but I'm sure that'll sort itself out.

Uzi: Uh huh... I, uh, have to, go. (She leaves, but forgets about the painful hole in her damaged hand.)

N: Stuck yourself? Just pop it in your mouth. Our saliva neutralizes the nanites, otherwise I'd be constantly disassembling myself. (He holds up a syringe with nanite acid.)

Uzi: And by our saliva, you mean...

Uzi & N: Disassembly Drone?

Uzi: Right. Hey, let's go in that landing pod over there!

N: Sure! I love doing anything!

Uzi putting her hand in N's mouth)

N: Sweet! Uh, I'm open to new things, I guess.

Uzi: We are never talking about this.

N: Talking about what? Consider it, uh... Repressed!

Uzi: ...Uh, you mentioned other members of your squad? Are they coming back soon?

N: Oh, yeah. Two others. They're out hunting for a bit but you'll love them. First, there's V.

(Flashback. V tears a drone's entrails out.)

Grant: No, No! Please don't feed me my own entrails in front of my family!

(N watches V feed Grant his own entrails in front of his family and kill him.)

V: ...And yet, I still feel nothing. (Her crazed eye twitches.)

N: So, V, uh, I heard this planet-wide toxic death storm is supposed to be especially inhospitable tonight-

V: Oh God, who are you?! (She leaves.)

N: No worries, I'm N! But a whole letter is a lot to remember! (He laughs nervously.)

(Flashback ends.)

N: So obviously, a lot of mutual respect there. But secretly, I actually kind of have a crush on her... You can't tell her, okay?! (Beat. Motioning, Uzi zips her mouth.) Then there's J, our leader.

(Another flashback. J has N pinned to the ground.)

J: N, you're worthless, and terrible, (N: (Struggling to breathe) Thank you...) and if the company allowed it, I would straight up kill you myself!

(Flashback ends.)

N: J's awesome. Hey, let me give you the tour! Outside are the corpse... wall... thingies. In here are the buttons! (He begins pressing buttons.)

Uzi: This... isn't just a landing pod... This is a spaceship! This could get us off the planet!

N: More of a one-use missile. They never taught us how to land.

Uzi: No, I, uh, uh, the worker drones, we could work with them to fix this! Instead of all the murder! ...Which, uh, why are we doing that again...?

N: Other than ingesting their WARM, SWEET oil to avoid overheating and dying? I guess I just want to be useful. I was given a job and I always want to try my best.

Uzi: And look at all the respect it's gotten you, N. You really think the company isn't going to dispose of you once all the workers are dead?

N: Oh my, you sure are rebellious! It's kind of exciting. But, not as fun as, uh, following the rules...

(They hear footsteps.)

N: Hey, they're back! You- (Uzi has disappeared.)

J: Idiot, get out here!

Uzi retreats from the Corpse House.)

V: (Laughs) Yo, we got a worker out there I kind of want to practice balloon animal shapes with. ...What happened here?

J: Synergistic Liability here must have tripped and knocked himself offline. (J slaps N.) Moron bot, hello? (She snaps her fingers as N goes through a system reboot.)

Uzi: (On a recording) You really think the company isn't going to dispose of you once all the workers are dead? (Rewind.) Bite me!



(The reboot finishes.)

N: Ohhhh... (His scanner indicates Uzi's footprints.) Ohhhh! You know, I-I left an-an extremely dangerous weap- excuse outside...! (He flees as V holds up a flag that says "Literally So Insanely Suspicious". Meanwhile, N goes off in pursuit of Uzi, who is fleeing back to the colony.)

Meanwhile, during the card game...)

Todd: Haha, I am out, boys.

Drone: Oh, gosh darn it...

Braxton: Wait until my loving wife and kids hear about this!

(The door opens, letting in the cold and Uzi, much to their annoyance.)

Uzi: Bite me! Close it, close it!

(Uzi tries to swipe the card to close the door, but N has already stuck his claw in between. He pries the door open slightly.)

N: Hey, fellas. Oh, deal me in, I love rummy. Wait, no, I'm going to murder everyone... Rain check!

(He swings his acidic tail at the door scanner, breaking it and the key. The door opens up, as do other doors. Realizing their lives are on the line, Uzi and the other drones, minus Todd, run off.)

Todd: Um, actually, it's gin rummy. So-

(N impales him against a wall and slices his head off. He begins firing at the rest, shooting Makarov's head off and pouncing the other drone. Meanwhile, Braxton catches up with Uzi.)

Braxton: Hey, Uzi! I just realized no one's said my name out loud before, so I'm just letting you know I'm- (N slices him in two, then flies off in pursuit of Uzi.)

(Uzi recharges her railgun and turns back to fire, but sees that N is gone. Khan appears.)

Khan: Pretty nice hydraulics, huh? (He pauses as he sees all the chaos he missed.) ...What-What have you done?

(Uzi doesn't reply. Before she could explain herself, N swoops in. Uzi prepares for a fight.)

Uzi: This time, I won't miss!

N: (Chuckles) I'm sorry. I really enjoyed our time together, but I can't have you shooting V with that thing.

Uzi: Bite me! (To Khan) Dad, get down!

Khan: Uzi, you Lead a murder drone here?! My beautiful doors!

Uzi: Now is so not the time! I messed up, in the same way I'm about to fix it! Move, dad!

(N pins her to a wall and her railgun falls at Khan's feet.)

Uzi: (Straining) Dad... Point and shoot... Trust me...!

(Khan, trembling with fear, slowly backs off instead of helping his only child.)

Uzi: (Heartbroken) Dad...?

(In an act of cowardice, Khan closes the door, leaving Uzi broken. Not just brokenhearted, but broken to the point where she shuts down. No grief over being left in the lurch by her own father. No attempts to fight back N. Nothing. She just goes limp... The room turns red and alarms blare as N regains his sanity, looking with despair over what he has done. At this moment J and V show up.)

J: Whoa, N! Am I dreaming, or did you do something not useless, for once?

V: I've been trying to get past those doors for months. Nice work, N.

N: ...You... Me... Name... Remember...?

V: These ventilation shafts can easily get us around this last door. Lowest body count eats a missile! (She flies upwards.)

J: Way to go, stud. The company's gonna love this. With this colony wiped, we'll make top team this quarter, for sure. You know what that means... Branded pens! (She holds up a JCJenson brand pen, to N's joy. She tosses it to him and prepares to fly off and catch up with V.)

N: ...Uh, you know, not that I can't wait to keep murdering all these, uh, maybe not-so-actually different from us Worker Drones, but, just out of curiosity, do we actually, uh, know what the company plans to do with us afterwards...?

(Uzi begins to wake up.)

J: Excuse me...?

N: Okay, so, a worker earlier might have suggested that they could fix up our landing pod to, uh, escape the planet and stuff, which, whoa, hey, that's against the rules! But, it is kind of making me question why our pods were only one way in the first place. Cause, you know, I get the feeling the company doesn't actually love robots, and like we might be robots. I've made a terrible mistake. It's cool how immediately I could tell.

J: Hmm... No way, buddy. Questioning the company? You just finally gave me the excuse I needed. (J injects N with a virus.) Worker drones are corrupted, N. That's why the company sent us. I hate to see you corrupted as well.

N: (Infected) Thanks, J... Always looking out for me... You're awesome... (He passes out.)

J: Heh. (She flies upward to catch up with V and hunt down more drones.)

(Uzi wakes up and goes to get her railgun.)

N: (Still infected) Ah, biscuits. I'm sorry. I ruined your card game, then made you have an awkward moment with your dad.

Uzi: And I made you rebel like an angsty teen, which got you killed. Though, you also tried to kill me, so morality calls this a draw. (She climbs on top of a box to reach the vent. Predictably, she can't reach due to not having the ability to fly, and for being too short.) Ugh... For the record, that was the lamest heel-face turn in history. Was that supposed to be you switching sides?

N: Being rebellious is a lot harder than it looks. Thanks for showing me the ropes.

Uzi: Nuh-uh, no bonding thing. You just killed a bunch of people, idiot.

N: That's super fair... (Sighs) I screwed up...

Uzi: Ugggh...! In the same way you're about to fix it? (She shows the wrench.)

N: Hahaha! I love doing anything!

Thad gets flung backwards. Lizzy and Doll rush to help him as J arrives.)

Khan: So... They found our evacuation spot. But, if we build a quick door...

(Thad gets up.)

Thad: Are you kidding me?! You're the WDF, right? Defend! (Khan and his friends back off in more cowardice.) For real?

(V arrives and impales Thad. Just as she's about to kill him...)

Uzi: Hey!

V: Huh?

Uzi: Put that conventionally attractive male down!

(N waves before Uzi nudges him.)

N: Oh! Uh, J, you're sometimes kind of mean to me, and I wish you weren't. Just some constructive criticism.

Uzi: Nice. (They fist bump.)

J: Noted, traitor. We'll circle back after I right-size your existence!

Uzi: (To N) Okay, which one do you want?

N: J, please.

Uzi: Too bad. Good luck.

(Battle commence. Uzi flings her pen at J's hair and runs off, leaving N to deal with V. J manages to knock Uzi down and yanks the pen out of her hair.)

J: Damn the well-made quality assured durability of JCJensen's products! Huh? (Uzi gets back up and kicks J in her face.)

(Meanwhile, N is fighting V. He tries firing from his gatling gun, but hearts shoot out instead.)

N: Ah! My mind's in a weird place! Don't read into this! (A rocket lands near him and explodes.)

(J gets up and knocks Uzi out while N and V are swordfighting. N sees J walk up to Uzi.)

N: UZI! (To V) I'm so, so sorry. Have fun repressing this! (He... licks V's sword. Nasty...)

V: EW! What the hell?! (N kicks her down as J looms over Uzi.)

J: You've got a lot of cuts for a barely sentient toaster. I've had prey fight fact before, but your edgy spirit is just... so... painful...?! (She looks down. Her leg has been stabbed.) GAH! FOURTH! QUARTER! PROFITS! MOTHER OF COMPANY LEADERSHIP RETREATS! (She jams her foot on a piece of rubble and falls over. Uzi points her railgun at her face.)

Uzi: One more buzzword and I'll do it!

J: ...Equity partnersh-

(Uzi pulls the trigger. In the end of it all, J's entire top half has been obliterated. Uzi spits on the corpse (Or what's left of it) to show who's the baddest. As the other drone's come out of hiding to cheer for her, she falls over tiredly. N picks her up onto his shoulders.)

Thad: Holy hell, Uzi, that was insane! And you too, uh...

N: Huh? Oh! N! I'm an angsty rebellious disassembly drone, now.

(They hear someone clearing their throat. It's Khan. Uzi throws her wrench back at his feet.)

Uzi: I brought the murder drones here accidentally. You chose to leave me for dead instead of just freaking believing in me! That's not even an edgy teen hyperbole like when I said it last week! (No response. Uzi, near tears, smacks herself to regain composure.) I'll save you the trouble dad. I banish myself! (Khan tries to speak, but can't find the words.) Let's go, N. Everyone here can bite me! (N grabs V and they begin to leave.)

N: Nice to meet you, Mr. Uzi!

Uzi: (Smacks him) Shut it.

(N takes off with Uzi and V. Khan has a sip from his mug in disappointment."#1 DAD" Nothing could be further from the truth...)

Out in the frozen wilderness, Uzi sitting on top of a broken car, thinking to herself. Meanwhile, N is lodged inside the Corpse House.)

N: I'd join you if the sun didn't kill me. Hope you're having important character growth or something, though!

Uzi: Just can't wait to murder all humans. Classic robot stuff. I hope they're sitting pretty there on Earth, because we're coming for them...! (She laughs maniacally, her sanity completely vanished, as the zoom out reveals three Drone pods making their way down to Copper 9.)



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